Never underestimate the commercial value of mental illness.
I’ve been thinking about the way I eat (for various reasons) and how/why my eating habits are so bad, why I fall back on banal comfort food, why I’m not adventurous in the least.
As I was writing Paso Doble, I kept finding myself associating my characters’ meals at tapas bars with romance. Small bites in small dishes. Tasting. A meal of hors d’oeuvres, eaten slowly, from a lover’s hand. I wanted to be able to do that.
Well, Dude and my mother liked it. I can’t stand pineapple, so I was having none of it. Neither was XY TD, who ate about two cans of green beans by himself. XX TD had some but she’d been noshing all day and wasn’t hungry (also, she ate all the pineapple I carved out of the middle).
Depending on how you define “hit,” it was one because the person I made it for liked it. A lot. And he is grateful for a plethora of leftovers.
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Note: The smoker instructions called for 5 hours. I roasted mine, checking at 3 hours expecting the thermometer to register 120F or something, and shot to 180F before I pulled it out.
My mother felt the need to say to me, “Oh, c’mon, just one bite. If I tell you it doesn’t taste like pineapple will you have a bite?” “Mom, I MADE this. I can turn my nose up at it if I want to.”
I will not be making this again, so if you do, good luck. Also, invite Dude. And my mother.
I don’t know where I ran across the “Swineapple” recipe, but it got posted to Reddit not too long ago and immediately went semi-viral.
My relationship with food is like having an abusive ex-boyfriend: He keeps coming back and coming back, every day, even though you don’t want to see him. You want to get rid of him but he won’t go away. It’s not an analogy of “I eat because I have to” and “I can’t really live without him.” It’s that you really don’t want want food in the house the way you really don’t want him to come back. That’s where the analogy stops.
And yet, I must eat. Because DEATH.
Anyway, part of my frustration is how I taste things, meaning, I like the taste of things, but I don’t like the texture. That leaves a lot of things out. A lot of things in a lot of dishes I would like to try. But don’t. Because basically, I’m afraid of wasting money. Yes, I said it. Afraid.
[Aside: All the eating Victoria and Emilio do in PASO DOBLE is an expression of my unwillingness to experiment and lack of ability to appreciate whatever flavors come my way. My palate is less sophisticated than a three-year-old’s.]
All this means is I hate cooking and I hate trying new things. Because what if it’s icky? This worked well when I was single and low-carbing because all I had to do was throw a steak under the broiler and fix a salad. Alas, children have a way of growing up and eating you out of house and home and they have expensive taste in meat. My fault.
[snip rest of psychological profile]
For various reasons, today I tried something new.
I had a three-year-old (yes, that too) slab of London broil in my freezer. I wanted to marinate it, but I have no soy sauce, no Teriyaki sauce, no wine. This will be rectified in the future, but suffice it to say I couldn’t run out and get any right then. So this slab, I had intended to use to make beef jerky. It’s a long process. I had thawed it out intending one thing, changed my mind to another, changed it a second time, realized my lack of ingredients, but had a slab of London broil waiting for me to do something with it, so I went with door number four.
I sliced the London broil into 1/4″ wide strips, all the while wondering what to do with it. Then I wondered…chicken fried steak?
Soooo I got out ye olde almond flour*. Mixed it with parmesan cheese, onion powder, and garlic powder. I cracked an egg in a plate and scrambled it well. Put on a skillet with oil to heat up. Dipped the strip in the egg, coated it with the “breading” and fried it up. When the few strips were finished, I made gravy with the drippings (not a lot because there wasn’t much oil) using water and arrowroot powder.
Dude was the victim. He pronounced it pretty okay. Then he dipped it in some bleu cheese dressing. He liked that better.
I ate a bite plain. It was pretty okay. Needed spices (like a package of Italian Seasonings). I had a piece with gravy on it. That was really okay. I had a piece dipped in mayonnaise blended with some Italian Seasonings. That was awesome.
Next time I’ll put the seasonings in the “breading.” The meat is tender and moist, but my only complaint is I wish the “breading” was crispier.
My first victory. I’m not a foodie and I’m never going to be. But this was a food victory for me.
*This post makes more sense if you know I’m still trying to live a low-carb lifestyle, with varying degrees of success on a day-to-day basis.
Okay, it’s really macaroni salad and about as ubiquitous as can be, but there’s a story behind the title.
It was 1980. In Kansas City. In the summer.
The 1980 United States Heat Wave was a period of intense heat and drought that wreaked havoc on much of the Midwestern United States and Southern Plains throughout the summer of 1980. It is among the most devastating natural disasters in terms of deaths and destruction in U.S. history, claiming at least 1,700 lives[1] and because of the massive drought, agricultural damage reached US$20.0 billion (US$55.4 billion in 2007 dollars, adjusted for the GNP inflation index).[2] It is among the billion-dollar weather disasters listed by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. […] In Kansas City, Missouri, the high temperature was below 90 only twice and soared above the century mark (100 °F/38 °C) for 17 days straight[…] [Wikipedia]
And we did not have air conditioning. No, we did not. But my grandmother, who lived about four blocks away, had a little window unit, so every afternoon, we would hie ourselves up there to sit in her living room for a while, then come home to sleep. If you can call it that. (Oh, and a little trivia: My room faced east, so I had the joy of the first blast of heat every morning.)
My mother would make dinner that we would bring to grandma’s while we sat in the cool. And one day she made this:
7 oz. dry pasta
1/2 c. Miracle Whip
1/2 c. sour cream
1 15-oz can drained sweet peas
1 c. diced ham
1 c. diced cheese
1/2 tsp. celery seed
1/2 tsp. onion salt
Cook pasta while mixing Miracle Whip, sour cream, and spices. Stir in peas, meat, cheese, and pasta. Chill.
As you see, it involves a stove and boiling water. We three children (12, 6, and 4) were lined up at the door waiting for mom to bring the ginormous stoneware crock full of this so that we could go to grandma’s. Unfortunately, two steps from the front door, she tripped, dropped the bowl (which broke), and sprayed macaroni salad and clay shards everywhere.
My brother laughed.
He, um, got in trouble. (Turrble turrrrrrrrrrrble trouble.)
Hence the name. I don’t think my mother’s made this since and I have only a couple of times, but I love it and thus, the block party Saturday was graced with TWO dishes out of the Dude-and-Mojo household.
That’s what the fresh concrete in front of our beautiful porch says: Dude + Mojo = ?
Got a wild hare to be a real mom for a minute and a half, which involved preparing freezer meals of things I like but the TDs will not eat because it didn’t come from McDonald’s, Subway, or Sonic. What I have planned for the freezer are side dishes, not the entree, so for today’s entree, I made chicken rolls, which they didn’t like any better than they like anything else I make. Because I am not McDonald’s. (FYI: They went hungry.)
I have no real history with this dish to legitimately call it a “comfort food,” but goodness they were good!
6 crescent rolls (Pillsbury fridge type)
1 c chicken, diced
3 oz cream cheese
1 Tb lemon juice
1/2 c onion, chopped
3 Tb. soft butter
corn flake crumbs
Mix all ingredients but crumbs. Place mixture on a crescent roll. Roll up. Dip in melted butter and roll in corn flake crumbs. Bake at 350F for 25 minutes.
Next time, I’m going to up the cream cheese and not cook them quite so long. I served it (heh, only to myself) with green rice, which recipe used to be a comfort food, but one I now have little taste for. I don’t know why.
I make this with different measurements all the time because A) it depends on what I have on hand; B) I never measure; and C) I can’t be arsed to write it down. This is how I made it today, and all measurements are approximate:
3 lb hamburger
1 diced yellow onion
1 T minced garlic (I use the stuff in the jars)
salt
pepper
1/4 c basil (dried)
1/2 c oregano (dried)
1/2 c parsley (dried)
Fry all that up together, then drain off the grease.
5 4-oz cans mushroom pieces and stems (with water)
2 cans tomato sauce
5 cans tomato paste
water to make it the consistency you like
Mix all that up really well, let simmer for a while with the lid on it. On low, you could keep it on the stove all day if you wanted. The idea is to let the herbs steep. I’ll add more oregano* once I get it stirred up, as I like oregano. Lots.
Serve on whatever shaped of pasta (cooked) that you like.
If I have stewed tomatoes on hand, I’ll use those. If I have whole tomatoes on hand, I’ll blanch, peel, and use those. I don’t use olive oil because I think the beef provides all the oil necessary, and I’m not a fan of olive oil anyway.
As we all know, this is a heavy dish. When I’m low-carbing, I can have a bowl of it for breakfast (yes, I said breakfast) without the pasta (with parmesan) and I won’t have to think about eating again until bedtime. No matter how much I love it, though, I will never get over thinking it’s weird to eat it without the pasta.
It freezes well, and one of these days, if I ever get around to learning how to can, this is the first thing I’m going to can.
*Went to a Mexican restaurant where they loaded their salsa with oregano. WTF? I went for Mexican food, not Italian. A little was good. A lot was not better.
I grew up with this being served only on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. It was a magnificent treat. For the most part, I still keep that because, well, it’s loaded with sugar and, wow, I could drink a quart of it every day.
Anyway, I had it for my wedding reception and Dragon Lady told me later it was the best punch she’d ever had with another sweet (cake, etc.) because it didn’t clash and/or leave an aftertaste. Now, I don’t know how much that had to do with the punch as much as it had to do with the fact that I wanted vanilla and almond flavoring in my cake icing, but she loved it so much she got her niece to serve it at her wedding reception, where, apparently, it went just as well.
The secret is in the vanilla-and-almond combination.
10 cups water
1 tsp almond flavoring
1 tsp vanilla flavoring
1 cup ReaLemon juice
2 cups sugar
6 oz orange juice, thawed
Mix well.
I have an “official” recipe that I kinda sorta follow sometimes if I feel like it, but usually I have way more hamburger than the amount called for in the official recipe (we buy one cow a year and have most of it, minus the excellent cuts [about which I am very specific] ground into hamburger). This is how I made it last night:
2-1/2 lb hamburger
1-1/2 c bread crumbs (combined my own dried/crumbled with boughten seasoned)
1 c milk
1/2 c yellow onion, chopped
2 eggs
2 T Worcestershire sauce (this is the key to a good meatloaf, IMO)
1 tsp salt
1 tsp dry mustard
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp ground sage
Mix all ingredients (knead it with your hands as you would bread dough) and put into a springform pan. Put on an aluminum-foil-lined cookie sheet. Cook at 350F for 1 hour.
Add ketchup as needed.
NOTE: For low-carb version, substitute bread crumbs with chopped mushrooms (not the kind from the can).
If you’re easily squicked about meat and the eating thereof, you may stop reading right here.
I love steak tartare. If you don’t know what that is, it’s raw ground sirloin with egg and capons and a bunch of spices in it. I eat this meatloaf raw once I get all the spices worked in and settled. Sometimes I’ll add a little extra Worcestershire sauce. Poor woman’s tartare.
Continuing with the theme of what Mojo cooks because she hates to, and this is what her mother cooked and so she likes it enough to cook it:
This should probably fall under the heading “no brainer,” but these are the best enchiladas I’ve ever had, bar none.
I got 27 enchiladas out of this today:
3 Tb flour
3 Tb shortening (probably really should use lard, but I didn’t have any)
3 c water12 oz taco seasoning*
32-oz bag of finely grated cheese (I like sharp cheddar)
3 medium yellow onions, finely chopped**
corn tortillas
Oven to 350F.
Melt flour and shortening/lard together in a huge skillet and/or wok-like pan, and stir until smooth and bubbly. Add water and taco seasoning, then cook until thick. Turn burner to low or off.
Coat the tortillas in the sauce, then roll up with cheese and onions. Pack them in a jelly roll pan or something equally large. You may have to add some water to the sauce to thin it out, as it will get thicker as it sits. Save enough sauce to coat a full pan of enchiladas, then do so. Sprinkle the extra cheese and onions over all.
Put in the oven for 20-25 minutes.
This isn’t hard, but the prep time (especially if you hand grate the cheese and dice the onions by hand instead of the handy-dandy chopper I adore) is a killer.
Obviously, you can substitute any meat you like, but I prefer plain cheese and onions.
Pimp moment of the day:
*My mother always used to use Li’l Guy taco seasoning (not the enchilada one). It came in a 12-ounce glass jar. Their website says it’s discontinued. Now, I haven’t looked to see if they still carry it in the grocery stores the way I remember it, but I don’t use this because now I go to Planter’s in River Market (downtown Kansas City) and get their mix. The seasonings you use make all the difference, so experiment.
By the way, Planter’s is one of the businesses I mentioned in The Proviso. I mention a lot of local businesses in my book(s).
**If you don’t have one of these, get one. Right now. I believe we got ours at Walgreen’s for like, $5. Best kitchen tool buy ever.
Got a request for my recipe for beef stroganoff, so I’m going to add a new category of comfort food. These are adapted from recipes my mother used, the food I grew up on and while some of it’s expensive to make, some of it’s not. It’s not fancy. The reason I don’t cook is that my mother made everything from scratch (even egg noodles) and so it wouldn’t occur to me to go get, say, a jar of Ragu for spaghetti sauce (and the one time I did I gagged). However, when I do cook, I cook from scratch.
I very rarely measure anything unless I’m baking, so you’ll have to adjust for your own tastes. I have tried this stroganoff with stew meat or cutting up a cheap steak (say, chuck), but I don’t like it that way, as the flavors don’t blend as well. Liberal use of pepper is the key to a good batch of stroganoff.
The measurements for this beef stroganoff are written per 1 pound of hamburger.
1 pound hamburger
1 diced medium yellow onion (Get one of these gizmos.)
minced garlic (I buy it in the jars, usually in produce section by the onions.)
salt to taste
coarse-ground black pepper to taste, maybe 2 tsp
parsley to taste, maybe 1 Tb of dried
1 to 2 4-ounce cans of mushroom stems and pieces, drained
Cook up the hamburger with all the above ingredients on medium high heat, enough to barely cook the meat and make the onions translucent. Stir well, and let it simmer for about 10 minutes to let the flavors settle in. Drain, put it back in the pan, and put it back on the stove.
Into the drained meat, stir in (very well):
1 can cream of chicken soup
Let that simmer on low for about 15 minutes. While that’s cooking, cook up:
egg noodles
Remove the stroganoff from the heat. Add:
8 oz sour cream
Stir it in well and let the whole thing sit for about 10 minutes. Drain your egg noodles and put them on a plate. Then top with the stroganoff mixture.
That’s it. Only takes me about 1/2 hour, no matter how much I make, and I make it in batches of about 5 pounds of hamburger. It never lasts long enough to be able to freeze any of it, but it is freezable.
