{"id":372,"date":"2008-12-30T23:12:05","date_gmt":"2008-12-31T05:12:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theproviso.com\/?page_id=372"},"modified":"2026-02-22T19:10:17","modified_gmt":"2026-02-23T00:10:17","slug":"tired-of-being-me","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/extras\/vignettes-outtakes\/dirty-little-secrets\/tired-of-being-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Tired of Being Me"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

JULY 2007<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

I THREW THE KEYS at her, barely able to look at her after what I\u2019d done to her the night before.<\/p>\n

Oh, hell, what I\u2019d done to her from the moment I got caught in my own hubris.<\/p>\n

Murderer.<\/p>\n

Rapist.<\/p>\n

Nice, Knox.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d convicted rapists that had shown more class and style in their crimes than I had last night.<\/p>\n

I stood at my window, my forearm across the window frame, and looked down on the parking lot. I watched her approach the car warily, hoping that she\u2019d understand what I wanted her to do. She would never leave on her own; I\u2019d thoroughly succeeded in terrifying her. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought she\u2019d know I was bluffing, that she would understand that nobody with a shred of sanity could act the way I did and mean it.<\/p>\n

Of course, nobody\u2014least of all me\u2014could say with any certainty that I was sane.<\/p>\n

She sat in the little Toyota for a long time, inspecting it, I was sure, for signs of a bomb or something. Then she started it, put it in gear, backed out, and drove away.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d understand the minute her asshole father let her know how I\u2019d ensured his silence.<\/p>\n

And then<\/em> she would leave.<\/p>\n

I put my head down on my arm and watched water drops plop onto the sill, my vision blurring.<\/p>\n

I would never see her again.<\/p>\n

This makes you no better than Lucifer \u2026 The Lord might forgive you Parley, but this\u2014 No.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lucifer.<\/p>\n

Sebastian couldn’t have found a better invective.<\/p>\n

It occurred to me to eat my gun and be done with it, because I just didn\u2019t deserve to live and quite frankly, I had nothing left to live for.<\/p>\n

Giselle had married my best friend, who made her happy in ways far beyond my comprehension.<\/p>\n

Sebastian wouldn\u2019t miss me, especially after I\u2019d thoroughly humiliated him over \u2026 a lot less than what I was guilty of.<\/p>\n

Vanessa would get my half of Whittaker House on my death and could do just fine on her own.<\/p>\n

So could Eric and he was at the end of his patience with me, anyway.<\/p>\n

My aunts Lilly and Dianne might cry, of course\u2014maybe<\/em> even Aunt Harrie and Belinda\u2014but I couldn\u2019t be sure they weren\u2019t expecting it anyway.<\/p>\n

Morgan, \u00c9tienne, Felix, my other cousins who had quietly supported me \u2026 they\u2019d shake their heads, unable to understand but probably not surprised.<\/p>\n

Fen wouldn\u2019t like it, but he\u2019d be able to relax, his future in OKH as secure as it could be with me out of the way, but Sebastian still on the warpath.<\/p>\n

My mother would rejoice.<\/p>\n

The rest of the Dunham tribe would ignore me the same way they\u2019d ignored me for the past fifteen years.<\/p>\n

And Rachel Wincott would have the last laugh.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how long I stood there, staring down at her empty parking spot as if it would magically bring Justice back to me, make her love me, but it was dark by the time I went and sat at my desk.<\/p>\n

I pulled out my gun and studied it. Not that I could see it in the dark.<\/p>\n

Turned it over.<\/p>\n

Squeezed the trigger\u2014<\/p>\n

\u2014just until it caught.<\/p>\n

The doorknob turned and Eric walked in, files in his hand.<\/p>\n

Flipped on the light.<\/p>\n

Stopped short when he saw me.<\/p>\n

Stared at my gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cPut it down.\u201d<\/p>\n

I pursed my lips. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s not worth that<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

I grunted. \u201cNo, but what I did to her is.\u201d I took a deep breath. \u201cYou can probably expect that annulment back some time tomorrow or Thursday. She won\u2019t waste any time getting out from under a marriage to me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Eric looked at the floor, shaking his head, thoroughly exasperated with me. \u201cYou know, I don\u2019t know what it is about you that you have to do everything so fucking stupidly<\/em>, but did it ever occur to you to just ask her out like, you know, a normal guy? Or do you not have enough drama in your life that you had to add a little more?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, shut the fuck up. Where do you get off?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, let\u2019s see. Stable situation. Stable girlfriend. No drama. That\u2019s where I get off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that explains Simone and LaVon Whittaker and Junior how?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot my doing, that\u2019s how. And notice, I<\/em> don\u2019t deal with them for the most part. Repeat: No drama.\u201d He took two long steps toward my desk, snatched my gun out of my hand, stuffed it in the back of his waistband. \u201cYou\u2019re not getting it back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFuck you. I\u2019m your<\/em> boss, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTheoretically. So since she\u2019s gone, you can take over her case load.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think not. Figure out something else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo to the Ozarks.\u201d<\/p>\n

No, not that, either. Vanessa would want to know why and I sure as hell didn\u2019t want to explain, not when I had hoped that the next time I went, I\u2019d be bringing my new wife, showing her off, making love with her in a bedroom that didn\u2019t look like I\u2019d furnished it out of the Salvation Army mark-down section.<\/p>\n

Ah, hell, I was used to celibacy and I wouldn\u2019t live long enough for it to make a difference anyway.<\/p>\n

I sighed and glanced out the window again, across the street to the dojo that was now brightly lit. \u201cAren\u2019t you late for class?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDirk\u2019s night to teach. I\u2019m not going anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shit.<\/p>\n

He slapped his files on my desk and picked up my phone. Called Annie, told her he was on suicide watch, and bring food and entertainment.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a ballsy little bastard,\u201d I grumbled. \u201cRemind me why I hired you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Cause I\u2019m a ballsy little bastard,\u201d he shot back and dropped onto the leather sofa, stretched out like he hadn\u2019t a care in the world.<\/p>\n

Annie walked in not an hour later with Chinese, chopsticks, books, and video games.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a procedure for people like you, Knox,\u201d she said as she dumped the bags of food on my desk. I tried to stare her down, but she dealt with what she called M.Deities all day long and she\u2019d told me more than once a lowly prosecutor didn\u2019t faze her. \u201cIt\u2019s called a frontal lobotomy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Eric laughed, dragged a chair over to my desk.<\/p>\n

The three of us settled in to eat.<\/p>\n

\u201cBy the way,\u201d Annie said, \u201cmy mother\u2019s still available.\u201d<\/p>\n

I snarled at her. \u201cI am not going to be your mother\u2019s boy toy and I\u2019ve been telling you that for ten years. At least.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? You don\u2019t want to be my stepfather?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to get rid of that bitch,\u201d I muttered, hoping to shut her up, but she continued to prod and poke me about that hag she couldn\u2019t or wouldn\u2019t shake.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not as easy for a daughter to divorce her mother as it is for a son,\u201d she informed me sagely as she dug her chopsticks into her noodles. \u201cOh, and look, if you do marry her, I promise I won\u2019t try to glom onto your exactly four dollars and fifty-two cents, which is about what OKH will be worth when King Midas gets through with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Annie annoyed me to no end sometimes. Her pragmatic wit and savvy business sense was occasionally the bane of my existence, but that\u2019s what little sisters\u2014even adopted ones\u2014are for. Eric\u2019s inability to stop laughing didn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019d be a funny joke on my mom, though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m already married,\u201d I snapped before I thought.<\/p>\n

Annie looked at me sharply, surprised, but not enough to delay that quick mind or tongue. \u201cThen why are we here with you instead of in bed?\u201d<\/p>\n

I waved a hand toward the door. \u201cDon\u2019t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And give me my gun back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope,\u201d Eric said around a mouthful of food.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why aren\u2019t you<\/em> in bed with Mrs. OKH trying for Baby OKH?\u201d<\/p>\n

I said nothing, unwilling to account for myself to a girl who made her living flashing her legs and tits at doctors. Gorgeous rodeo blonde with something approaching Sebastian\u2019s brain. What was<\/em> it with all the beautiful young women around me? Vanessa, Annie, half a dozen defense attorneys I had to work to beat anymore. Youth, beauty, brilliance, and nothing short of a maniacal drive to succeed, every last one.<\/p>\n

And Iustitia, young, beautiful, brilliant, with a maniacal drive to succeed\u2014 but who hadn\u2019t cut through enough of her na\u00efvet\u00e9 to see through my bluster.<\/p>\n

I was only now<\/em> noticing what any<\/em> of them looked like. It was downright unnerving after all these years teaching brand-new law students. Had I simply missed how attractively energetic young women were? Or was I just hitting the first stages of a mid-life crisis and had cornered one to give me my own youth back?<\/p>\n

She looked at Eric who pursed his lips and bent back to his food.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I see,\u201d she drawled, then glanced back at me, sighed, did the worst thing she could\u2019ve possibly done.<\/p>\n

She patted my hand. What the fuck?!<\/p>\n

\u201cGo home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothin\u2019 doin\u2019, sport.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dawn came with me working, Eric asleep on the couch, Annie curled up with him, but dozing.<\/p>\n

Keeping me alive.<\/p>\n

If it weren\u2019t for all the women in my life looking out for me, save my mother, I wouldn\u2019t have gotten as far as I had.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gonna be okay?\u201d she asked softly, glancing out the window at the lightening sky. Eric awoke with a start, looked at Annie, then looked at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think so.\u201d I paused. \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled and arose, then pulled Eric to his feet. I sighed when they left and figured I could expect them back tonight, still on suicide watch.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t fine. I knew I couldn\u2019t bear to look at Iustitia\u2019s desk without breaking, but I had a job to do and I was only too glad to have court.<\/p>\n

Went home.<\/p>\n

Took a shower.<\/p>\n

Came back.<\/p>\n

Charmed a jury.<\/p>\n

Yelled at my staff.<\/p>\n

More than usual.<\/p>\n

Worked all night, Eric and Annie sitting guard.<\/p>\n

Repeat the day after that.<\/p>\n

Except after lunch \u2026<\/p>\n

You know, I didn\u2019t care if the kid had<\/em> stayed with me two nights in a row to make sure I didn\u2019t blow a hole in my head. He needed to show some respect.<\/p>\n

\u201cCipriani! Pay attention! What the fuck<\/em> is your problem?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked up at me, then at her desk and jerked his head. \u201cLook.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked over my shoulder. What the\u2014?<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t believe my eyes.<\/p>\n

That perfectly carved haughty Faery Queen face dotted with that mass of freckles, the tousled red curls that looked like I\u2019d just run my fingers through them, that gorgeous body all wrapped up in designer clothes I wanted to tear off of her, feel her naked against me again, be inside her, make her come instead of cry.<\/p>\n

Teach me.<\/em><\/p>\n

Had she really said that or had I imagined it?<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2019m late,\u201d she said and went through her file-stacking routine like it was any other day of the week. \u201cIt won\u2019t happen again.\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned, still not able to credit that perhaps, just perhaps, another woman had come back to me and\u2014worse!\u2014the one I\u2019d mistreated more than Leah. I didn\u2019t know whether to laugh and kiss her or crawl in a hole and die of shame.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what you say every time you\u2019re late, McKinley.\u201d Oh, shit, if Fen found out \u2026 \u201cI oughtta fire your ass.\u201d<\/p>\n

She glanced up at me with those languid golden cat eyes that made me think she could read my mind and further, see all the way down into the darkest corners of my soul, knowing exactly who I was. \u201cYou can\u2019t. You haven\u2019t laid any paper on me and I\u2019ll sue you for wrongful termination.\u201d<\/p>\n

No, it couldn\u2019t be. She was back\u2014with a spine<\/em>! I hadn\u2019t been wrong about that after all.<\/p>\n

Or was she just suffering from Stockholm Syndrome?<\/p>\n

I had to get away from her to figure this out.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for the tip. I\u2019ll remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n

I slammed the door behind me and fell back against it, bent over, nauseated at the implications of her being here. Would she stay with me as my AP and<\/em> my wife, as just my AP, or was she taunting me?<\/p>\n

It took some effort to breathe and my heart pounded in my chest like I was having a heart attack.<\/p>\n

At thirty-eight.<\/p>\n

Then I felt a strange calm go through my body.<\/p>\n

Warmth.<\/p>\n

Comfort.<\/p>\n

I knew what that was even though I hadn\u2019t felt it in years\u2014and missed it. I fell to my knees, thunked my forehead on the floor, braced my body on my elbows and clenched my hands behind my head.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d I whispered over and over again, desperate and choking on my own spit. \u201cThank you so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

MY WIFE.<\/em><\/p>\n

All I wanted to do was wrap myself around her and hold her close, smell her.<\/p>\n

Make love to her.<\/p>\n

The way she deserved.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t imagine why she\u2019d come back to me after the night I\u2019d raped her. I didn\u2019t deserve it, didn\u2019t deserve her<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But there she was, getting out of her car in front of my house and preparing to unload her stuff.<\/p>\n

I walked out to her and did exactly what I wanted\u2014<\/p>\n

\u2014wrapped myself around her.<\/p>\n

Held her close.<\/p>\n

Kissed her.<\/p>\n

Smelled her.<\/p>\n

She kissed me back, wrapped her<\/em> arm around me<\/em> and pulled me<\/em> tight to her<\/em>. Did that mean\u2014?<\/p>\n

I needed her to know, to understand what her being with me would mean because obviously she didn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

Well \u2026 maybe she did. At least, she said<\/em> she did.<\/p>\n

Then, why\u2014?<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t buy her first bullshit excuse. Want to be like Giselle<\/em>, my ass. I didn\u2019t want Giselle for a reason<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Or six.<\/p>\n

It took a while, but we finally got to the heart of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m upset you bought me, but I\u2019m grateful, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought I\u2019d puke. Gratitude? Gratitude?!<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think I\u2019d ever been so mad at her as I was right then. What was I supposed to say to that? You\u2019re welcome, could you sleep with me now?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want you here if you\u2019re just grateful. I was kind to you once so you got a crush on me and I accidentally saved you from your father. What a great basis for a relationship that shouldn\u2019t have started at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me a little bit more credit than that,\u201d she snapped, and I knew then she\u2019d thought it through, though I still didn\u2019t understand her motivation.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay. Then why are<\/em> you here? The real<\/em> reason?\u201d<\/p>\n

She wouldn\u2019t look at me, but her words took my breath away. \u201cI\u2014 I want to see where this, with you and me, together\u2014 Uh, out in the grass, before\u2014 I mean, um, I want to know \u2026 If we\u2014 If you and I can\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

She stopped.<\/p>\n

Gulped.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t<\/em> have a crush on you anymore. You crushed it. Congratulations, mission accomplished.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shit? Yay?<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I \u2026 also don\u2019t want to live with what if. I want to try. Like adults. In a relationship. The one you should have asked me for to begin with, and don\u2019t try to tell me you don\u2019t want that anymore.\u201d More than you will ever know<\/em>. \u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n

She wanted me. She wanted us<\/em>.<\/p>\n

In spite of what I\u2019d done to her.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know whether to be embarrassed or fucking giddy.<\/p>\n

I said the only thing I could think of. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I hurt you out in the grass.\u201d<\/p>\n

What a fucking stupid thing to say.<\/p>\n

She seemed to find that amusing. \u201cSo you said about a gazillion times.\u201d<\/p>\n

No, what I mean is, I\u2019m sorry I raped you.<\/em><\/p>\n

I wanted her so badly I hurt, with an intensity and desperation I’d never felt in my life. There she was. Right next to my\u2014our<\/em>\u2014bed.<\/p>\n

My wife<\/em>. Wanted me, wanted us<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I had to get out of there before I fucked it all up and made her leave again. I knew I would eventually anyway, because I always did.<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t pressure you. You come to me when you\u2019re ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

And if I didn\u2019t fuck it up before I had to tell her about the man I\u2019d murdered, that would certainly send her away for good.<\/p>\n

I really would eat my gun if she left again because after that heartfelt little speech, I knew I would never be able to live without her.<\/p>\n

★<\/p>\n

2026022<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

JULY 2007 I THREW THE KEYS at her, barely able to look at her after what I\u2019d done to her the night before. Oh, hell, what I\u2019d done to her from the moment I got caught in my own hubris. Murderer. Rapist. Nice, Knox. I\u2019d convicted rapists that had shown more class and style in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":39,"menu_order":4129,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-372","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/372"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=372"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/372\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23489,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/372\/revisions\/23489"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/39"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=372"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}