{"id":3512,"date":"2013-11-07T17:06:36","date_gmt":"2013-11-07T23:06:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/?page_id=3512"},"modified":"2026-02-22T19:28:10","modified_gmt":"2026-02-23T00:28:10","slug":"walkaway-joe","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/extras\/vignettes-outtakes\/dirty-little-secrets\/walkaway-joe\/","title":{"rendered":"Walkaway Joe"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

SEPTEMBER 2016<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

RACHEL WINCOTT KNEW exactly where Knox Hilliard was pretty much all the time. She\u2019d made it her business to know, insofar as she could get to a library and research, which wasn\u2019t often.<\/p>\n

She had a list with his wife\u2019s and kids\u2019 names, his address, his phone numbers, his company, his blog, his birthdate and death date, his workplace, his schedule, and his habits. She kept this list in a vial on a long bead chain around her neck, like a lucky rabbit\u2019s foot.<\/p>\n

What she did not have\u2014and hadn\u2019t had for five years\u2014was the courage and selflessness to contact him and beg for what she needed most, because he despised her and had done everything in his power to keep her in prison.<\/p>\n

But she had just hit bottom and now did not care that she was a beaten and starving dog slinking back to her master for a crumb he wouldn\u2019t give her and the kick in the ribs that he would.<\/p>\n

She grunted when she was jostled too hard by the cop who\u2019d picked her up for solicitation, but the only thing she said was a low, \u201cMay I have my phone call, please?\u201d<\/p>\n

The cop\u2019s eyebrow rose at her calm, polite\u2014not<\/em>-high-as-a-kite\u2014tone, but in her interactions with most people, she made it clear she was sober and would treat them with basic human courtesy and kindness as much as possible\u2014until they gave her a reason not to. At some point, she had learned that basic human courtesy and kindness wasn\u2019t something one turned on; it was something one felt.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d probably gotten that when her son was born.<\/p>\n

She recognized Knox\u2019s sleepy, irritated voice as soon as he answered the phone and accepted the collect call.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Rachel,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

There was a long pause, but he didn\u2019t hang up, so she took heart. \u201cWhat do you need?\u201d he asked gruffly, but she couldn\u2019t tell his mood. Of course, the only mood he had ever displayed around her was pissed off. She could still feel the back of his hand connecting with her cheek and sending her crashing into a wall.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got picked up for solicitation.\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughed harshly. \u201cOf course<\/em> you did.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel didn\u2019t flinch. He hadn\u2019t hung up yet. She barreled into it because time was scarce. \u201cI have a baby. He\u2019s in my apartment and if I don\u2019t get home by eleven, it\u2019ll be bad for him. Could you\u2014 Somehow\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me your address,\u201d he said immediately, and she heard the rustle of paper.<\/p>\n

She closed her eyes and breathed out softly in relief. \u201cIt\u2019s\u2014 I\u2019m in California.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t give a shit!\u201d he snapped. \u201cJust give me the fucking address.\u201d She gave it to him, and waited while he wrote. \u201cYou know I\u2019m going to get that kid taken away from you, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she said, \u201cbut I called you because I hoped you would keep<\/em> him. You know, adopt him. Officially.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another full three seconds of silence. \u201cUh \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can give him a good life and make him happy. I can\u2019t anymore, and God knows I have tried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTime\u2019s up,\u201d boomed the guard.<\/p>\n

IT WAS WHEN SHE and her assigned public defender stood for her arraignment early the next morning that she got the shock of her life.<\/p>\n

\u201cKnox Hilliard!\u201d boomed a voice from the back of the courtroom. \u201cRepresenting Rachel Wincott.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her mouth dropped open and she whipped around so fast she was dizzy from lack of food and water. But there he was, a lot<\/em> older, furious, wading through the mass of bodies in the crappy L.A. arraignment courtroom toward her.<\/p>\n

To defend<\/em> her.<\/p>\n

Rachel wanted to sit down before she fell down.<\/p>\n

The DA was equally confused. \u201cHilliard, whu\u2014?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut it,\u201d he snarled at the man, who obviously either knew or knew of Knox.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you even admitted in California?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do Taight\u2019s dirty work. I\u2019m admitted everywhere<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

The gavel banged, and the judge snapped, \u201cGentlemen! Approach.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel continued to stand there on her cheap platform stilettos, barely clothed and shivering in the ice-cold air conditioning, with her hands cuffed in front of her (where they had been most of her life), and watched Knox maneuver through more bodies toward the judge\u2019s bench, the DA following. They stood there talking low, arguing. Knox dug in his interior suit pocket and pulled out something to show them. The judge pointed her gavel at Rachel every so often.<\/p>\n

But then it was over, and her almost-stepfather, her twenty-year enemy took his place next to her, nearly shoving her now-former attorney out of his way.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re my penance, you know that?\u201d he said to her out of the corner of his mouth.<\/p>\n

The only thing she could do was stare at him blankly, because his tone was almost \u2026 humorous. She had no response to that and she wasn\u2019t sure she trusted a humorous Knox Hilliard anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy baby?\u201d she had the presence of mind to ask low as the courtroom hummed around them.<\/p>\n

\u201cUnder control,\u201d he reassured her quickly before commencing all his legal wrangling to get her out on bond, which he would pay, and released to his custody.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t ask for this,\u201d she said with as much dignity as she could muster as the bailiff unlocked her cuffs and Knox guided her through the crowd and out of the courtroom with a firm hand on her back.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich is why I\u2019m doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n

That made no sense.<\/p>\n

Soon enough he had herded her through the process of paying her bail and getting her things, which consisted solely of a bracelet, her priceless vial of research on its bead-chain necklace, and a little clutch purse that contained all of three dollars, a tube of lipstick, and condoms. He herded her out into the bright California sun and through the parking lot to his car and into the front seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, what about my baby?\u201d she asked again when he slid in the driver\u2019s seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife\u2019s taking care of that end of things,\u201d he grunted while he zoomed out of the parking lot and headed out into L.A. traffic toward her shitty dive of an apartment she shared with two other working girls, navigating it like he knew it.<\/p>\n

Perhaps he didn\u2019t understand the danger he had put his wife in. \u201cWhy would you send your wife<\/em> into that hell? Don\u2019t you know what will happen to her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrust me to know what she can and can\u2019t handle.\u201d<\/p>\n

She could do nothing less. After all, it wasn\u2019t Rachel\u2019s business what he made his wife do. \u201cWhy are you really<\/em> doing this?\u201d she asked quietly.<\/p>\n

He slid a glance at her. \u201cBecause for the first time in your entire fucking life, you were thinking of someone else\u2019s needs before your own.\u201d He turned his total attention back to the road. \u201cAnd,\u201d he added, his voice a little softer, \u201cbecause your mother loved you, and I love your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel\u2019s breath nearly left her. \u201cStill?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStill.\u201d<\/p>\n

She barely kept herself from bursting into tears, and to hide that, she looked out the window at the passing scenery, which got shittier and shittier as they got closer to the apartment.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look and sound clean,\u201d he said conversationally.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a baby to take care of,\u201d she said simply.<\/p>\n

He snorted. \u201cDoesn\u2019t stop any other two-bit crack whore.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was true, and didn\u2019t she know that<\/em> up close and personal. \u201cLucky, I guess,\u201d she muttered.<\/p>\n

Lucky she couldn\u2019t tolerate the drugs\u2019 intended and unintended effects, because there were some days she\u2019d have given anything to be able to escape into chemical nothingness.<\/p>\n

He said nothing more, the car filling up with silence for the entire thirty minutes it took to get to her neighborhood, until he abruptly demanded, \u201cIs that a GPS bracelet you\u2019re wearing?\u201d<\/p>\n

She started and looked at him. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour pimp or probation officer?\u201d<\/p>\n

She gulped. \u201cPimp.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, for fuck\u2019s sake. Can you take it off?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot without pissing him off. He\u2019ll hurt my baby if he catches me. That\u2019s what he has over me, since I don\u2019t use. My \u2026 babysitter is the bottom girl, to make sure I can\u2019t take off and just never come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd she doesn\u2019t mistreat the kid?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel shrugged helplessly. \u201cI think she would, but Joe makes her leave him alone. She only does if I don\u2019t do exactly what Joe says.\u201d<\/p>\n

Knox stared at her incredulously. \u201cNot the same<\/em> Joe you were with way back when?\u201d<\/p>\n

She shook her head. \u201cNo. I can\u2019t keep Joes away from me.\u201d Lucky that way, too, she supposed. Bad<\/em> luck.<\/p>\n

His mouth tightened and he went back to paying attention to his driving until they finally arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, look,\u201d he said matter-of-factly as he pulled up to the curb behind another rental. A big dark-tanned guy with black hair and a mangled face casually leaned against it, his equally mangled arms crossed over his chest, and a gun in his hand. \u201cThe first thing we\u2019re going to do is get you and\u2014 Does your baby have a name?\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked down at her barely-there skirt, picked off a silver sequin, and muttered, \u201cKnox.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was dead silence in the car and she could feel<\/em> his sudden tension. \u201cAre you fucking kidding me?\u201d he growled.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

He released what sounded like a tortured breath and slumped down in the seat. She peeked at him. He was braced against the door, rubbing his temples and the bridge of his nose.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d he croaked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s \u2026 \u201d Why?<\/em> She had no idea. \u201cIt\u2019s a rich man\u2019s name. Country clubs. Old money. You know. So I thought maybe he could \u2026  I don\u2019t know. Get out. Make something of himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

He heaved a long sigh.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate you so much,\u201d she whispered. \u201cBut \u2026 now that I\u2019m a woman and I\u2019ve gone through all the men I have, all the crap, always trying to find whatever it is I\u2019m looking for, but also not wanting what my mom had with my dad, I\u2014 I think I understand why she stayed with you.\u201d Her eyes filled with tears. \u201cI hate you for what you did to me, but I still called you, and hoped you would at least listen to me because I want you to raise my baby and get him away from this life. He won\u2019t be able to get out no matter how rich his name is. I know what\u2019ll happen to him if I don\u2019t do something. After you\u2019re gone, I can just tell Joe his real father came and took him away from me. You\u2019re his only hope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know who his father is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Knox was still rubbing his forehead, but finally he heaved a great sigh and murmured as if beaten, \u201cAll right. But the first thing is to get you and him fed, watered, cleaned up, and clothed.\u201d He never opened his eyes, never stopped massaging his face. \u201cThe second is to deal with your pimp. So you better start writing all the places I can find him and all the names he might be going under and all his cronies, including the bottom bitch and the girls up the ladder, and give me a map of your track.\u201d<\/p>\n

She shrugged. \u201cYou can try, I suppose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRachel.\u201d<\/p>\n

His tone was so odd she looked up into his eyes\u2014the ones that had always been so cold and cruel\u2014and realized that despite his expensive clothes and rich-white-man front, he wouldn\u2019t have any problems with Joe, from whom she could not walk away.<\/p>\n

Knox might have loved her mother and made her happy, but at heart, he was a killer.<\/p>\n

And Rachel was okay with that.<\/p>\n

She slid out of the car after he\u2019d gotten out and opened her door for her. She didn\u2019t think much of it because men\u2014cops\u2014had been holding car doors open for her for years, but usually her hands were cuffed.<\/p>\n

Now, they weren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on in and get\u2014Knox. Shit. You gotta find a nickname or something because I\u2019m gonna get confused. My wife and cousin are in there to help you and pack his stuff and whatever you want to keep.\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked at him, confused. \u201cMy stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you think I\u2019m leaving you here, you got another think coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

She blinked, and tried to say something, anything. Her? Just \u2026 leave<\/em>? She couldn\u2019t imagine such a thing.<\/p>\n

His eyebrow rose, as if to ask her why she thought she had any choice in the matter. Dazed, she turned to enter the filthy and drug-infested prison in which she was raising the most precious thing she\u2019d ever had.<\/p>\n

\u201cMommy!\u201d her little boy squealed when she walked over the threshold of her apartment, and caught him up in her arms when he ran to her. Over his shoulder, she saw two women in jeans and tight tee shirts and shoulder holsters for their guns. They didn\u2019t look exactly like cops, but now Knox\u2019s faith in his woman made sense.<\/p>\n

They watched her back warily.<\/p>\n

Knox\u2019s wife was the young one\u2014younger than Rachel, even, and she looked it.<\/p>\n

Rachel looked to her son then. \u201cHi, baby,\u201d she said after another second, pressed her nose into the boy\u2019s dirty little neck, closed her eyes, and tried not to cry. She stayed that way until he squiggled to be put down.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe came here, Mommy,\u201d he said soberly, staring up at her, clutching his crappy stuffed rabbit to his chest.<\/p>\n

Her mouth quirked. \u201cI had to go to jail again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but you know what?\u201d he whispered excitedly, as if sharing a wonderful secret. \u201cThose girls made him and Conchita go away.\u201d<\/p>\n

She glanced at the two, who had still said nothing at all. Then she realized that the older one had actually moved past Rachel without her notice, and was leaning back against the doorjamb, her arms crossed over her chest.<\/p>\n

These two women had not only made it from the front of the building to her apartment without being killed, but had also<\/em> made Joe and his thug woman go away? Her legs felt wobbly again, and this time she had the freedom to sink to the sagging and ratty couch that came with the apartment.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to take anything with you?\u201d said the young one, Knox\u2019s wife. Rachel couldn\u2019t read her tone of voice, but she couldn\u2019t imagine the woman wouldn\u2019t resent her for this intrusion into her life.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave it,\u201d the older one snapped. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing here to save.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGiselle! You want to make her burn her<\/em> favorite dress, too?\u201d<\/p>\n

The woman called Giselle rolled her eyes and grumbled, \u201cAre you going to hold that against me forever?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name is Justice,\u201d said Knox\u2019s wife. Of course, Rachel already knew that. \u201cFigure out what you want quick because I do not want to stay here one second longer than I absolutely have to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Neither did Rachel.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should have seen what Miss Gigi did to Conchita!\u201d little Knox said, grinning and clapping and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.<\/p>\n

Rachel\u2019s brows rose and she looked over her shoulder at \u201cMiss Gigi,\u201d who wasn\u2019t paying attention to anything going on in<\/em>side the apartment because all her attention was focused on what was going on in the crowded and raucous hallway out<\/em>side the apartment.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Gigi\u201d was a small woman and honestly, Rachel couldn\u2019t imagine how any woman could hold her own with Conchita, much less send her packing. But now she saw that there was a bruise blooming on her face, she had traces of blood around her nose, and her knuckles were raw and oozing blood. Rachel was vaguely sorry she\u2019d missed that fight.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re safe now,\u201d Justice said softly. \u201cAs is \u2026 \u201d She slid a doubtful glance at the four-year-old now in the process of gathering his only other two possessions. \u201c \u2026 Knox. Figure out what you want to keep. We\u2019ll take care of the rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

Four years ago she would have flinched that he<\/em> knew what she\u2019d named her child, much less his wife, but now she had no pride, so she simply obeyed, for the first time feeling a little bit safer than she did before.<\/p>\n

Knox was dangerous and he hated Rachel, but he had loved her mother and made her happy.<\/p>\n

She had to believe he would do no less for her mother\u2019s grandson.<\/p>\n

IT WAS LATE THAT night in the very fine four-bedroom hotel suite she was sharing with her stepfather and his people when she was finally able to get a very excited \u201cLittle K\u201d to sleep. He was excited about bathing in such a big tub and his new clothes and his new toys and his new nickname and the fact that his rabbit got a bath too. He was excited about the big, clean, comfortable bed and how pretty his mama was in her new, albeit plain, clothes instead of \u201cwork clothes\u201d and her new, soft haircut, with her natural hair color restored. And he thought \u201cMiss Gigi\u201d hung the moon.<\/p>\n

Rachel emerged from their room in the suite to find Knox and \u201cMiss Gigi\u201d dressing head to toe in black, the couch littered with guns and knives. Knox\u2019s wife was helping Knox adjust something. Giselle\u2019s husband Bryce\u2014the mangled dude standing guard this morning\u2014was sitting at a table and thumbing a phone. Rachel looked down and away.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you<\/em> all doing this?\u201d she finally asked everyone but Knox, because she really didn\u2019t understand. These people had<\/em> to know every single thing about her.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re redeemable,\u201d Giselle said vaguely as she strapped a knife around her leg.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd even if you weren\u2019t,\u201d Knox rumbled as he looked over his shoulder to adjust a holster strap, \u201cLittle K is.\u201d But then he looked at her and gave her a tiny smile\u2014just a curve at the corner of his mouth\u2014and her heart beat faster because maybe he might not hate her so much after all.<\/p>\n

He was helping her, and it didn\u2019t really matter why. She wasn\u2019t going to waste it or take it for granted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was serious about you adopting Little K. If you want him,\u201d she added hastily because it never occurred to her that anybody wouldn\u2019t<\/em> want him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you were serious and yes, we do want him, and yes, we are going to get all that worked out. But first we\u2019re going to get you on your feet before you and he part company. For good.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel\u2019s heart wrung itself out.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou understand that, right? Once those papers are signed, you are out of his life, like you never existed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she whispered. \u201cI expected that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Giselle looked up at her then. \u201cI suggest you get your tubes tied.\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice hooted. \u201cShe suggests<\/em>. What she means is, if you don\u2019t, she\u2019ll drag you to the obstetrician by your hair.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bryce let out a bark of laughter but never looked away from his task and never stopped thumbing into the phone.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did that when Kno\u2014Little K was born,\u201d Rachel said, and saw what might <\/em>have been a spark of respect in Knox\u2019s face when he studied her for a second or two.<\/p>\n

But he only said, \u201cGood. Giselle, you ready? Bryce?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said the couple at the same time. Giselle fetched the phone from her husband, but Rachel had to look away when he felt her up, muttering something about girls with guns and other things no man would ever say to Rachel because Rachel wasn\u2019t worthy of that sort of man and even if she was, she wouldn\u2019t be able to find one.<\/p>\n

Long after Knox and Giselle had left, Rachel was pacing the suite\u2019s sitting room and chewing her already chewed-to-the-quick fingernails. She wasn\u2019t used to disobeying Joe and she felt like somehow he would find her and take her and put her back on a street corner before he beat Little K. She couldn\u2019t sleep because of her dread that this was not real, that if she went to sleep, she would wake up to her real-life nightmare.<\/p>\n

Justice and Bryce were alternately playing cards or working on their laptops or attempting to appear calm, cool, and collected. They didn\u2019t speak to each other nor did they speak to her. They fooled her for a while until she saw Bryce\u2019s foot pumping up and down like Thumper\u2019s, and she noticed Justice kept ordering room service for food that she didn\u2019t eat more than a few bites of.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo they do this a lot?\u201d she asked quietly. Both of them started.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d Justice asked. \u201cDo what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo \u2026 \u201d Rachel waved a hand at the door. \u201cDoing that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bryce shrugged and looked away. \u201cOccasionally.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot together,\u201d Justice said as if talking about it might be the thing to get her nerves to settle down. She shuddered and breathed, \u201cGod only knows what damage they could do together.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was past dawn when Knox and Giselle finally dragged into the suite, haggard, clearly exhausted, but clean, their hair damp, and wearing entirely different clothes. Half their weapons were missing. Now Rachel knew why they had interrupted their clothes shopping earlier that afternoon to take a room at a sleazy no-tell motel close to Joe\u2019s place.<\/p>\n

She opened her mouth but Giselle pointed at her. \u201cDon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel shut her mouth.<\/p>\n

KNOX STAYED IN L.A. with Rachel long enough to wrap up her legal issues, while Justice, Giselle, and Bryce took Little K and went home to take care of their own business\u2014business they had dropped on a moment\u2019s notice to come across the country to help her. Knox found some weird loophole that got her charges dismissed, then, much later that day, followed her up the steps of the plane he had chartered.<\/p>\n

It was the first time she had ever ridden in a plane at all.<\/p>\n

He brooded all the way to Kansas City, staring out the window, and Rachel didn\u2019t want to be anywhere near that, so she made her way to the back. She was curiously calm, her heart not racing, her fears lessened. Even if Joe were still alive, he wouldn\u2019t be able to find out where she\u2019d gone, much less follow her. Even in the awkward seat, she slept well for the first time in years.<\/p>\n

Justice met them at the airport, accompanied by five children, one of them Little K, who ran to Rachel squealing in delight. But over Little K\u2019s shoulder, she watched Knox greeting his own children with a broad smile, lots of laughter, hugs and kisses, and\u2014sign language.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome see my new friends, Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

But Little K wriggled then slid down her body until his feet touched the ground, took her hand, and tugged her to the children. And then he<\/em> started signing.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s Mercy. And that\u2019s Damien. And this is Grace. And the baby is Geddy.\u201d He signed throughout his recitation, then turned to the children and said, \u201cThat\u2019s my Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel saw the sober look that passed between Knox and Justice.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, guys,\u201d Justice said, tapping the oldest child, Mercy, on the shoulder to get her attention. The girl had what looked like a hearing aid attached to some sort of round metal disk that was attached to the back of her head. \u201cDaddy\u2019s going to take you all and Little K home. Rachel and I have some things to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grace, who seemed to be about Little K\u2019s age, took his hand and ran toward a big luxury SUV. Damien, who looked about six, ambled behind them, looking closely at the ground and occasionally stooping to pick something up.<\/p>\n

Rachel looked at Knox, who hefted the toddler in his arms. \u201cRachel,\u201d he murmured so that she focused on his face. \u201cI am impressed,\u201d he said slowly, as if he didn\u2019t know quite what he wanted to say, \u201cthat in the midst of that mess you made, you managed to make two excellent decisions. I think you\u2019ll be okay with some guidance.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel just didn\u2019t know how to process that<\/em>, and stood there staring at him with her mouth hanging open.<\/p>\n

\u201cGodspeed,\u201d he said as he turned and walked away toward the SUV following four very happy children and one comfortable baby with his thumb in his mouth now sleeping against his shoulder.<\/p>\n

If Rachel had had any doubts about her decision, they would have disappeared right then.<\/p>\n

JUSTICE HAD FOUND her a small furnished apartment in Chouteau City, close to the courthouse where Rachel\u2019s first bad-luck Joe and Knox Hilliard had turned her eighteen-year-old life upside down so many years ago. The prosecutor\u2019s office looked exactly like it had back then, except the head prosecutor\u2019s office now belonged to Justice.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be the liaison between you and Knox from now on,\u201d she said matter-of-factly. Rachel supposed, in light of his last words to her, he had washed his hands of her.<\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t blame him.<\/p>\n

Justice had found her support groups for this and that. To Rachel\u2019s surprise, she would not be expected to work for a while. Her job for the time being was to get herself together emotionally and learn a trade. Justice would pay her bills and help her learn how to manage money. Therapy was the starting point and non-negotiable. Justice had told her straight up: No therapy, no assistance and no Little K.<\/p>\n

Rachel didn\u2019t argue. She needed<\/em> someone to sort out her head, to help her in ways Justice, who seemed to have committed herself to taking care of Rachel into the foreseeable future, something she neither expected nor would have dared hope for, could not.<\/p>\n

She raised her hand and wrapped it around the vial under her tee shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you do that?\u201d Justice asked one day with a tilt of her head. They were sitting at Rachel\u2019s minuscule breakfast bar where Justice was going over a list of therapists who specialized in things Rachel might need most.<\/p>\n

Startled, Rachel looked up at her, deathly afraid she would demand the evidence of Rachel\u2019s stalking. But she found herself answering. \u201cIt\u2019s my, uh \u2026 lucky charm, I guess you could call it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice smiled. \u201cYou believe in luck?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI kinda have to,\u201d Rachel said slowly, looking out her front window at the tiny but well-kempt lawn. \u201cSometimes.\u201d Her brow wrinkled and she looked down at the tidy papers on the Formica.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that look for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you helping me?\u201d Rachel blurted. \u201cYou have so many reasons not<\/em> to, but you are. Is Knox making you do this?\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice drew back, genuinely surprised. \u201cHe can\u2019t make<\/em> me do anything.\u201d Then she paused. \u201cWell, not for years now. Let\u2019s just say your mother and I have a lot in common when it comes to the beginnings of our relationships with Knox.\u201d<\/p>\n

Surprised, she looked back up at Justice, who was fiddling with the corners of the adoption papers. \u201cUh, he\u2014 You were\u2014 Like my mom?\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice\u2019s mouth tightened a little. \u201cPretty much. But your mother chose to go back to him and was happy for five years before she died.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was murdered,\u201d Rachel corrected calmly. \u201cBecause of Knox.\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice turned those large golden puppy-dog eyes on Rachel and she felt low for having said it\u2014even though it was true. \u201cThere\u2019s more to it than that, and I\u2019d explain it now, but I do have to get back to the office in a bit. Maybe tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feeling punished, Rachel slumped a little.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe important thing is that I chose to go back to him, too, just like Leah did, and I\u2019m happy. Once you get to know him, Knox is an easy man to love, and I do, but every once in a while if I think about it too much, I can feel that little knot of resentment at what he did to me. It\u2019s always there. It never goes away. And he knows that. He can feel it when I feel it. Sometimes I wonder if Leah felt it, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

That made sense to Rachel, and eased her mind a little bit. \u201cIs that why you\u2019re helping me? My mother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. And I like you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d she blurted. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to like.\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice gave her a tender smile. \u201cIt\u2019s just buried.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the weeks passed while the Hilliards went through the adoption process, Little K thought he was on an extended sleepover with a bunch of fun, nice kids in a big house with a pool. Rachel, too, was beginning to enjoy life, a life she\u2019d never had with her parents because they were \u2026 well, she didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

Justice would appear at her little apartment with all the kids at odd hours in the evenings and on the weekends whenever Little K was starting to get restless and whiny for her. Occasionally she would allow Little K to stay the weekend.<\/p>\n

That was both wonderful and extremely painful.<\/p>\n

Justice would also invite her to go with them to the park, to Worlds of Fun, to Oceans of Fun, to Royals baseball games, where Knox\u2019s family had a box at the stadium. Knox did not join these adventures, but very often \u201cMiss Gigi\u201d and Bryce would, to help Justice wrangle children and bring along their own boy, Duncan, which thrilled Little K to death.<\/p>\n

Little K was four. He didn\u2019t care about the activities. He cared that there were other little girls and boys for him to play with. Lots<\/em> of them. Nice ones. There were no mean adults, no filthy, stinky, loud hallways littered with dangerous people, sharp needles, and bullet casings.<\/p>\n

These were people who could guide Little K to become the well-educated, well-behaved, country-club trust-fund man she\u2019d named him after. He would grow up with children who may or may not drag him into misadventures, but Rachel was pretty sure those misadventures would not involve knocking over gas stations and accessory to murder. He would love and be loved by, defend, fight with, share time and space and toys and holidays with them like a normal boy with a normal family\u2014not the son of a streetwalker who\u2019d knocked over gas stations and done a lot of time and who didn\u2019t know who his father was.<\/p>\n

As late summer turned into deep autumn, they went to a Chiefs football game where the family had another<\/em> box. They went to museums and art galleries and the zoo and festivals and on and on and on it went, but when Rachel noticed she\u2019d become comfortable, she started to decline the invitations. She could see where this was headed for her, and she couldn\u2019t afford to get attached.<\/p>\n

Her therapist, surprised, agreed and praised Rachel for her wisdom.<\/p>\n

That was the first time anybody<\/em> had referred to her as wise<\/em>.<\/p>\n

When the subject of Thanksgiving came up, Justice finally asked why Rachel was pulling away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t intend to become part of the family,\u201d she said, framing it as if she didn\u2019t want<\/em> to be, even though she so very much did<\/em> want to be.<\/p>\n

It took her a few seconds, then she sighed. \u201cI understand. And \u2026 I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to find my own people now.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was in therapy\u2014painful therapy\u2014that Rachel learned that all the things she\u2019d believed about her life as a child, her father\u2019s perfection, her mother\u2019s villainy, had been false. If those beliefs had been fed by her father, her mother, the pastor, her teachers, her friends, her boyfriends, she didn\u2019t know, but she had barely begun the process of dismantling those beliefs. It would take her years to tear them all down, rearrange them, and put them back together properly.<\/p>\n

Through all of this, there was one thing she couldn\u2019t stop wondering about. The more time passed, the worse her curiosity got. She knew better than to ask, but one day she couldn\u2019t help herself. \u201cWhat did they do to Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice opened her mouth, but nothing came out for a few seconds. Then she sighed. \u201cKnox didn\u2019t tell me, and I didn\u2019t ask. I know him and I know Giselle, though, and honest to God, I don\u2019t want to know what they did.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel nodded, telling herself that she would never know and must content herself with the fact that Knox had taken care of her immediate problems and that how<\/em> he had done it was not important.<\/p>\n

Late one night two weeks before the adoption hearing, Rachel heard a dull knock on her door. Heart racing, she pulled her robe tighter and looked out the peephole.<\/p>\n

It was Knox. By himself.<\/p>\n

Now<\/em> Rachel was terrified, but she gulped and opened the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am here,\u201d he said through gritted teeth, his gaze focused way above her head, \u201cto discuss Little K\u2019s new name. Justice thinks you and I need to do this together and she wants it done tonight so she can fill in the paperwork.\u201d<\/p>\n

That<\/em> was not what Rachel had expected. \u201cI \u2026 I thought you\u2014 That you\u2019d just \u2026 give him a name and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gave Little K a very specific name for a very specific reason, and after some deliberation, I can appreciate your rationale. So.\u201d He stepped to the side and swept his hand toward the street. \u201cShall we? I\u2019ll buy you dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI \u2026 I\u2019ll get dressed.\u201d<\/p>\n

They said nothing on the short walk to the bar on the corner of the square. Rachel had not been inside. After several months of peace, bars frightened her now, but it was the only place in Chouteau City open this late that had food, and Knox didn\u2019t seem to want to stray too far.<\/p>\n

He was greeted as if he were a regular, breaking out a grin she\u2019d rarely seen, clapping people on the back, being clapped on the back, shaking hands, shouting back and forth about this or that, trading jokes and insults.<\/p>\n

\u201cYo, Hilliard! That your latest stray?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStepdaughter!\u201d he shouted back.<\/p>\n

The bar quieted immediately. Oh, it was still loud, but everybody<\/em> was looking at her. She gulped.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou motherfuckers need to mind your own business!\u201d he bellowed, making everybody laugh and go back to what they were doing before he walked in.<\/p>\n

He led her to a booth in the back by the pool tables. It was a bit brighter, a bit quieter away from the dance floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did he mean by \u2018stray\u2019 and why do they know who I am?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI help a lot of people,\u201d he said flatly. \u201cKids, young adults. Impoverished or otherwise disadvantaged. It\u2019s \u2026 \u201d He shrugged. \u201cIt\u2019s just something I do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo \u2026 I\u2019m \u2026 normal. For you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore or less.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd \u2026 why do they know who I<\/em> am?\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of his nose. \u201cI know you see me as a corrupt small-town redneck lawyer\u2014and I am<\/em> that\u2014but that is not who I am to the rest of the world. You are a very significant part of my life, and because everybody else<\/em> is interested in my life, they know about you, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Knox. Long time no see.\u201d<\/p>\n

He flicked a bit of a contemptuous glance up at the waitress and said, \u201cUsual for me. Rachel, you okay with ribs?\u201d<\/p>\n

She started and said, \u201cUh \u2026 Sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMountain Dew, honey?\u201d<\/p>\n

He pointed at Rachel. \u201cDo not ever<\/em> tell Justice I had Mountain Dew.\u201d Rachel gulped. \u201cAnd whatever she wants.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, uh, I \u2026 water\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a bar<\/em>, sweetie,\u201d the waitress sneered. \u201cOnly person who gets to drink pop here is the prosecutor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGet her what she asked for,\u201d Knox growled.<\/p>\n

The waitress huffed and flounced away.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that true? Like, I can\u2019t come here if I don\u2019t drink?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. She\u2019s being a cunt. I mean, if you wanted<\/em> a beer or something\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no,\u201d Rachel said quickly. \u201cI stopped drinking when I was pregnant with Kn\u2014uh, Little K.\u201d<\/p>\n

Knox nodded approvingly. \u201cSo about him. Last name Hilliard, but I wanted to honor your mother. Unfortunately, \u2018Wincott\u2019 also<\/em> honors your father, and I find nothing honorable about him.\u201d<\/p>\n

That hit Rachel like a brick, but after weeks and weeks of therapy, she couldn\u2019t say he was wrong<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you mean \u2018Wincott\u2019 as a first name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. It doesn\u2019t sound right and it\u2019s too easy for bullies to dissect.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. Oh, I see. Actually, I think as a middle name, it would be okay. You don\u2019t have to tell him about my dad. It\u2019s not like you knew him or anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but I had to deal with what he left behind,\u201d Knox said pointedly. \u201cFor years<\/em>. You aren\u2019t the only one who needed therapy and a lot of TLC.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel didn\u2019t know what to say to that.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I propose,\u201d Knox said, but then the steaming ribs were put in front of them and they looked utterly delicious. \u201cWhat I propose,\u201d he began again, \u201cis to name him Trey, after my grandfather.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachel was confused. \u201cBut \u2026 that\u2019s your<\/em> grandfather. Don\u2019t you want to name one of your own kids after him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Knox muttered around a pork rib, \u201cwe\u2019re not having any more, one, and two, my grandfather was orphaned when he was twelve, and didn\u2019t find the rest of his family until he was twenty-four. I kind of see a parallel there. Maybe you don\u2019t. Maybe it\u2019s stupid. But I wanted to run it by you, see what you thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was asking for her permission!<\/em> Rachel was suddenly, unexpectedly, deeply touched. Still, she needed to clarify something. \u201cDid you say \u2018tray\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrey, with an \u2018e,\u2019 not an \u2018a.\u2019 It\u2019s not too common.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d She sat for a moment. \u201cTrey Wincott Hilliard?\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think \u2026 I like it. That\u2019s a very nice name.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked somewhat surprised. \u201cYou\u2019re okay with that?\u201d<\/p>\n

She thought about it, rolled the syllables around on her tongue a little, then nodded. \u201cIt has that rich-man, country-club thing I wanted for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay. Good. That was easy.\u201d<\/p>\n

And now the reason for their shared meal was over. \u201cI, uh\u2014 I think I\u2019d just as soon get this to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded.<\/p>\n

They didn\u2019t converse at all while their food was being packed up and Knox walked her back home. The only thing he said to her when she opened her door was, \u201cSee you at the hearing.\u201d<\/p>\n

THE FAMILY COURT judge heard testimony from everyone involved, and even took Rachel into her chambers to question her privately as to whether she was being coerced or not. Rachel looked her in the eye and said, \u201cI did all these horrible things, but I was clean and sober when I had Little K, I stayed clean and sober no matter what else I had to do, and I was clean and sober the night I called Knox to come get him. It\u2019s the only truly good thing I can do for him and I want<\/em> to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour son is very attached to you, and by all testimony, you\u2019re a nurturing and caring mother. Now you\u2019ve been given a fresh start and you have what I would consider a pretty good support system. Are you sure?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Tears stung her eyes, but she nodded. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

The judge reluctantly granted the adoption, but over Knox\u2019s very loud objections, she then ordered regular un<\/em>supervised visitation between Rachel and Little K\u2014Trey Wincott Hilliard<\/em>\u2014until such a time as the child no longer needed or wished it, or Rachel severed contact\u2014and she warned Knox not to try to circumvent the order or<\/em> threaten, pressure, coerce, blackmail, or extort Rachel into sliding out of Littl\u2014Trey<\/em>\u2019s life until she was ready.<\/p>\n

\u201cEverybody knows how you operate, Hilliard\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Justice laughed, and Knox cast her a look of angry frustration.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014so shut up and sit down. You\u2019re lucky I\u2019m granting it at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

This was it.<\/p>\n

Rachel walked back to her little apartment aching for her baby and feeling the hole in her life with a pain she didn\u2019t know she could feel.<\/p>\n

She found a little box that held her meager treasures and opened it. She sifted through its contents with a finger: Little K\u2019s baby teeth. A rock he had painted for her in vacation Bible school just a few months before. A dollar a homeless man had given her because he thought she was worse off than he was. A few rose petals from the first flower she had ever bought for herself. The GPS chip\u2014broken\u2014from the bracelet Joe had made her wear for four years. A small picture of Little K in their shithole apartment in L.A. A girl\u2019s simple silver ring her father had given her when she was eight.<\/p>\n

Other trinkets. Bad trinkets she had brought with her because they reminded her of what she had escaped, why she had given her baby over to people who would love and protect and guide him. He wouldn\u2019t end up on the street, strung out or pimping or dealing or homeless.<\/p>\n

Her entire life was right here in this little box. Her pain didn\u2019t lessen, but her soul was at peace, and she meant to live so as to keep it that way. The way her mother had before she\u2019d met Knox. The way Rachel had sworn never to live.<\/p>\n

Now, so many years later, it was an awfully seductive prospect.<\/p>\n

Slowly, she pulled the bead chain up and over her head, folded the glass vial in her hand for a moment, feeling its warmth from her body, then laid it carefully in her box, closed the lid, and put it back in the drawer where it belonged.<\/p>\n

★<\/p>\n

2026022<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

SEPTEMBER 2016 RACHEL WINCOTT KNEW exactly where Knox Hilliard was pretty much all the time. She\u2019d made it her business to know, insofar as she could get to a library and research, which wasn\u2019t often. She had a list with his wife\u2019s and kids\u2019 names, his address, his phone numbers, his company, his blog, his […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":39,"menu_order":4138,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-3512","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3512"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3512"}],"version-history":[{"count":85,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23498,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3512\/revisions\/23498"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/39"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/moriahjovan.com\/talesofdunham\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}