“What does it matter what I think as long as I’m polite and kind to the person?”
“Because it’s not real. It’s not genuine. It’s performative.”
Yes, I was being judgy. I reserve the right to be judgy. We’re all judgy. You can call it “discerning,” “discriminating,” “pattern recognition,” “resentment,” “outrage,” or “vile mean girl,” but we all do it. We may or may not relay our opinions to anyone, but we have them—about things, people, thoughts, beliefs, matters of taste, and behavior. The only difference between your judgment and my judgment is that you don’t agree with me. Humans being humans, you feel you have the moral high ground because of course you do. I guarantee if we agreed, we’d be sitting on the couch gleefully reinforcing our mutual opinion and possibly spilling hot tea.
So I looked at this person who objected to my judgment, completely confused.
“Politeness is performative. That is its entire point.”
The discussion had to end there for external reasons, we never got back to it, and then life intruded in a way that made it irrelevant, but the only real requirement in life is to be kind. If you can’t manage that, be polite. If you can’t manage that, walk away.
But if you are pushed to engagement, go big or go home.